Grumble

We just had a very nice visit with my youngest brother and his wife, who are currently living and teaching in Qatar on a work visa. It was fascinating to me hearing about the country at the opposite side of the globe, and the vastly different culture that, turns out, isn’t as bizarre as one might imagine.

And now that they’ve left for the evening and gone to their hotel, I’m sitting here feeling very bitchy. It has absolutely nothing to do with them – I just feel annoyed with life in general.

Well this sucks.

If this is the start of peri-menopause, then it can just bugger right off right now, because I have no use for this kind of crap, whatsoever.

On a totally unrelated note, here are some of the photos from my trip up North (which was equally enjoyable, visiting a different brother). Ordinarily I’d clean them up a wee bit in Photoshop first, but honestly, I just couldn’t be bothered today, so these are completely unedited and uncropped.

I’m a sucker for old prairie barns, having spent the best moments of my childhood swinging (literally) from the dusty, rough-splintered rafters of one.

This was, at one point, a huge concrete grain terminal in Boyle, Alberta. I watched the wrecking ball for about ten minutes and it seemed like the equivilant of a fly swatter, barely making any dents and taking forever just to loosen a small area. But there must have been method to the madness, because when I went back through five days later, it was just a small pile of rubble.

Not too far away, there was this abandoned log house. I would’ve loved to explore but it didn’t look very stable, plus I was brought up to have respect for the private property of others. Growing up on a farm in a beautiful valley, we had plenty encounters with city people who figured “But this is the country! Anyone can go anywhere – it’s not like you own the place!”

(Yes, I have a thing for liking barbed wire in the frame of my rural photos… so sue me. Unfortunately, this one didn’t turn out very well.)

Vacation – sorta

Visiting my brother and his wife in Northern Alberta. I’d forgotten how beautiful a drive it can be and how many photo opportunities there are. Of course, like an idiot, I see something and think, “Ooh, I’d love to take a shot of that,” then spend the next three to ten miles trying to decide if I should turn around and go back for the pic, or not. Because I was driving by myself, I talked myself into it about 25% of the time, but I need to improve that number. Life is too short not to stop and smell the roses click the shutter.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll fire up my other laptop that I brought (it’s a working vacation) – the one with a card reader – and try to post a couple of the pics that I went back to take.

This is my first full day here, and I’m really enjoying it. My brother and his wife have been very active in community theatre for decades, and they’ve just started their own small theatre group and are opening their first show this week. It looked for a while like I was going to be going to a BBQ and sex toy party (how could I resist? what happens if they confuse the two?), but we skipped that and instead I’ve spent the evening helping my brother prep sound cues – looking for public domain audio files for sound and dialogue effects. Gotta love descriptions like “highland-wedding-march-drunken-piper”. Our imagination of it was WAY funnier than the actual file, though.

Holy cow!

Wow. I… wow! Seriously, I had no clue that it’s been so long since I was here. I need to find another source of income than working full time, because the days and weeks (and months!) are flying by faster than ever now, and they were already trucking along at a fair clip before!

I’m fine. Great, actually. As is the family and all who I love. Well, my folks are noticeably fading, and I’m going to have to spend some time coming to terms with that and then helping them come to terms with that, but all in all I have an extremely blessed and joyful life. Still.

Let’s see…. my business, despite the doom and gloom media, has been great and I’m as busy as I want to be, and at times busier than I can comfortably handle. I was having some trouble finding my groove and keeping all the balls in the air when I got several new clients in rapid succession, but I just lost one of those clients – the one who was draining a disproportionate amount of my time and energy – so I’m looking forward to relaxing into the spot and enjoying the work more again. The client was, I’m convinced, manic-depressive or bipolar or something, and as much as I liked him as a person, he was driving me crazy and making me dread Mondays. That telegraphed into all my other work, which I don’t normally dread, and it took a while for me to figure out what was going on.

Our daughter, Jan, broke up with her longtime boyfriend/fiance who she was living with, so that threw everything into a kerfluffle for a bit. They’d been together five years and were almost as good as married, so it took some untangling to separate the two lives physically and financially. But she’s living back home again now (as evidenced by the fact that all her shit is back here and we can’t walk without stumbling over a packing box – LOL!) and she’s happy. Truly happy. Something I had seen missing in her eyes for quite a while. It’s weird having a kid move back home. We found ourselves excited and loving it, but also… ya know… feeling like we’d lost a bit of ground on our independence, somehow. Not that we need to worry – she’s already scoping out places close by to move into on her own, and she’s signed up for some part-time classes to start back to school in the Fall. Our daughter has definitely got it all going on and a firm grasp on the world, and I feel like I’m probably visibly bursting with pride.

Our boys are both doing really well, too, and a strange thing is happening. They’re getting along, for the most part, and tolerating each other, with brief moments of actual friendship. It’s kinda scary to see this foreign beast in my home, so I just watch from a distance and don’t poke it when it wanders by. Ari doesn’t seem to hate me automatically before I even walk in the room or open my mouth anymore, which is a very nice change from the last dozen years of his life. In contrast, I’m seeing Cob and his dad have this fuel and flame, instant aggravation thing going on that was like Ari and I, and I’m getting to experience what Doc experienced for so long – complete bafflement and helplessness when two people you love drive each other crazy.

Uh… let’s see, what other updates and news can I tell you that might be even remotely interesting?

I joined the local gym with Jan. I had never been in a gym before in my life, but figured I’d better up the ante on my own personal exercise program, because I gained 15 fricken pounds over the winter and spring, and damned if I’ve been able to lose them. I don’t know if it’s a peri-menopausal thing (shush, you), a thyroid thing, or if it’s because I’ve been working so damned much and I haven’t taken the time to take proper care of myself. I haven’t been this heavy, or this uncomfortable in and unhappy with my body, in over a decade. Not really the way I wanted to go into summer! But even though I’ve been knuckling down and behaving (well, kinda, mostly), trying to lose the weight, it’s all stubbornly sticking around. Around my waist, to be specific. Annoying as hell. But since it’s the only thing in my life that I have to bitch and gripe about, I won’t bitch and gripe very loudly, because I wouldn’t trade any of the other things that are currently going right in my world – health, finances, love, career – in exchange for a perfectly fit and gorgeous young body.

Hmmm, well, actually……

Nope. No, I wouldn’t. No.

I don’t really know what else to write, which is probably why I haven’t blogged here for so long. This used to be my outlet to vent my frustration, exasperation, and befuddlement with the world. But, you know, along the way, I’ve either gotten more tolerant, or I just don’t give a damn about the little idiosyncrasies of life like I used to.

I think it’s more tolerant. I hope so.

With a dash of laziness, probably.

You’re probably thinking: why the heck did I come here to read this drivel? That’s fair – I’ve turned this into a long post about not much of anything. I don’t want to not have a blog, but at the moment it just isn’t calling to me to come write anything. So, uh…. I’d like to think that I’ll get back into the swing of things and write here more often, because it’s a hugely invaluable tool to me whenever I feel unsure about my footing in life and want some perspective. But for now, I think I’ve got a fairly good handle on things, and I’m too busy living to be writing. (Or to be reading other people’s blogs either, actually. I hope you’re all doing great!)

Extreme Macro

I stumbled onto this video about an extreme macro photography trick a few months ago, and sent it to my husband. He just recently found time to try it.

Doc posted a few of the resulting photos to his Facebook account, including this one:

"My wedding ring showing the scars of 22 years."

Hours later, the subject came up and he asked, unnecessarily, if the caption he’d put had bothered me at all. The use of the word “scars” doesn’t often connote something positive.

“Not in the least, ” I assured him. “And I clicked on the little ‘I Like This’ icon so everyone would know.”

“I’d guessed that’s why you did that,” he said and smiled.

I’m proud of the nicks and scars. I’d be wary of a marriage that was only polish and gleam.

Here are a few more shots he took:

"Cursor on my monitor. Hard to believe that is a white background."

"Logo on nail clippers. Interesting that appears to be raised yet it is engraved into it."

Leaf of an African Violet plant.

Dead leaf from an African Violet (I need to water them more often).

One Sentence

“True stories, told in one sentence.”

Here are some that particularly caught my eye:

As I felt the skin of my upper thigh tug as I tried to pull the small bottle of superglue out of my right pocket, I realized something must have gone horribly wrong.

~

He bounced off three branches before hitting the ground, but when he got up the first thing he said was, “Don’t tell Mom!”

~

The newspaper failed to mention I was completely sober returning from work and that she was a suicidal alcoholic with a history of jumping in front of cars.

~

Two weeks after I told him I was too embarrassed to be naked in front of anyone, I was naked in his bed, and I still don’t know how he did it.

~

Waiting

The barista flashed a smile and thanked her when she picked up her coffee. Being one of the first customers of the day, the whole transaction had been quicker than usual, for which she was grateful. She took a large gulp of the heavy caffeine, willing it to seep into the pores and power her forward. She asked when the attached book store would open, to learn that it wouldn’t be for a few hours yet, so she resigned herself to making do with the book she already had.

She took another hot gulp a few minutes later as she left her car in the hospital parking lot and stepped into the icy wind. Ignoring the information desk inside, she walked directly to the GI department. She’d been here before.

Stunned by stupidity

My innate optimism and sense of overall goodness in the world was sucker-punched today when I learned of a level of ignorance and immaturity so stunning, I’m in disbelief. Actually, I’m in denial. People like this don’t really exist, do they? Surely, even if they do, they aren’t given large amounts of money and the opportunity to speak to millions of potential viewers and express their stupidity and thoughtlessness without consequence. Surely not. Please, tell me this isn’t the world we live in.

I know. Now who’s being stupid.

Try to watch this video. I say “try”, because it’s kind of like a car crash – it’s hard to believe that what you’re seeing can be real, and your stomach starts to turn.

Fox News mocks the Canadian military

“The Canadian military wants to take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white capri pants,” Gutfeld said with a sneer, adding: “Isn’t this the perfect time to invade this ridiculous country? They have no army.”

Another panelist, Doug Benson, said he was unaware Canadian troops were on the ground in Afghanistan. “I didn’t even know they were in the war. I thought that’s where you go if you don’t want to fight — you go chill in Canada,” he said.   (Toronto Sun)

If you read here, you know that I’m not a political blogger. And it’s no secret that I ignore and avoid most so-called “news” because I don’t trust it any more than the guy in Nigeria who needs my help moving his bank account. If I didn’t actually watch these people’s lips move and say these amazing things, I would never be posting about this. I’d call bullshit on the idea that anyone could possibly be this dumb.

As if the existence of these people isn’t stunning enough, now they are claiming that it was a joke. That Canadians should “lighten the fuck up.”

In an emailed apology, Greg Gutfeld, the show’s host and leading idiot, wrote:

“However, I realize that my words may have been misunderstood. It was not my intent to disrespect the brave men, women and families of the Canadian military, and for that I apologize. Red Eye is a satirical take on the news, in which all topics are addressed in a lighthearted, humourous and ridiculous manner.”

I can appreciate a good-natured joke with grace and without losing perspective. I am most often offended by people who are way too easily offended by things and think the world owes them coddling (and I’m thinking of the many examples provided in American culture when I say this). But I am STUNNED at this level of outright insult. Only an idiot could expect us to be foolish enough to take that apology sincerely. “Ridiculous” is the only word he got right.

Everybody makes mistakes and says stupid stuff. Presumably not to this amazing degree and quantity of stupidity, and not on national television, but… ya know…

You’ll notice, however, that Gutfeld didn’t say that a mistake had been made by him. Neither did Fox News, as far as I know. An apology is meaningless when not genuine. Gufeld should be fired. Period. That is the only consequence that is reasonable to his actions and his position.

And this Bill guy, who was another panelist? The one who is continuing to slam Canadians on his Twitter account? I like this article’s take on it:

Among other shockingly ignorant comments on the show, [Bill Schulz] derided the Royal Canadian Mounted Police : “We ride heavily armoured cars, they have horses!  … This is not a smart culture.”

That’s probably not meant as irony, but that’s how it usually works.

Yes. Yes, it is, isn’t it.

I’d like to see him/them come here and say that.

Craig’s list – old school

It may just be the complete lack of sleep (thank god I don’t get hangovers), but this is hilarious to me this morning. Here’s how to do the Social Networking thang the old fashioned way. I would love to meet him/them.

There’s plenty more of these to enjoy HERE.

My baby

Our 16 year old son, Cob, loped into the room at a slightly slower pace than usual. I inquired why, and he said that he felt a cold coming on. I advised him to drink lots of liquids.

“What else would I drink?”

—————

Cob has a job at a local Superstore, and they gave all the employees a survey to fill out.

Question: “Is there one thing that would improve your work environment?”

He wrote: “Ponies.”

—————

Cob’s sister has been repainting a large basement suite for their upcoming move, and she posted to Facebook:

J: Ow. It should all be done, with the exception of some touch ups here and there.
C: Hooray! Skill in Painting has increased to 448!
J: You’re a dork.
J: But it’s sad that I understand.

—————

His IM tag: “What part of secret and illegal do you not understand?”

—————

Public notice

There’s yet another discussion going on about the tremendous benefits of Social Networking, on an email list that I’m a member of for my business. LinkedIn, Twitter, Xing, Plaxo, Facebook… the list goes on and on.

I’ve tried to ignore these things and not get involved in them, but whenever someone posts that their web site traffic increased tenfold since they joined one (or more) of these popular thingies, I groan. I really don’t want to have anything else that sucks up my time online. That’s my most often used argument, any way.

But if I’m totally honest, that has very little to do with it. Laziness is part of it – I’ve got a ton of other things that I should be applying my mental energy to (like, oh, tax returns, and client projects that are driving me insane.) Just the thought of jumping through web site registration hoops, no matter how quick and simple they may be, is often enough of an excuse for me to put it off. Don’t even get me started on illegible captchas.

As stupid as this is (both in concept and for me to admit publicly), “networking” is one of those words that makes me roll my eyes and make noises of disdain. I’m not entirely sure why, but I think a lot of it stems from my (limited, I’ll admit) experience with groups who like to put “women” and “networking” into every event title. Everyone I’ve known who goes to and loves these things has been a female who I tend to avoid being around. And I have never, ever, been able to wrap my brain around how “women only” groups and events are a positive thing for equality.

I know some really good people, and I get introduced to their friends, and almost my entire client base originated solely through word-of-mouth. So I guess that must mean that I “network”, but it’s an organic thing that just happens naturally and easily, and it isn’t choreographed or contrived.

I hate stuff that’s contrived.

But the biggest reason I groan and resist having all the online networking sites and accounts is that I really, REALLY like my privacy. A LOT. Which may sound quite stupid to say here, where I’ve dumped some very personal stuff for any Bob and his uncle to read, but that’s totally different, for many reasons. Here, it’s pretty much just me standing alone against a wall. You can throw tomatoes, roses, insults, boots… in the end it doesn’t matter, because it only affects me, and not the people in my life. (Knock on wood.)

But social networking sites are, by definition, totally different in that regard. I’ve blogged, here and at previous incarnations, for more than six years, and it’s taken some maneuvering at times but I’ve been mostly successful at keeping this particular world of mine in its own bubble. (Knock on a forest!) That’s the thing – I have different worlds. My life is far from linear or restricted. It kind of goes in a bunch of different directions, and only with rare people/exceptions do they ever overlap. I have my family and close friends. And I have my relatives and acquaintances. And I have people I’ve met through this blog who know a lot more about me than others in my life, and yet a lot less about me as well. And I have my professional life, and within that there are even more bubbles.

Generally speaking, all of those bubbles (and any bubbles within bubbles) are monitored and protected, and that’s the way I like it. Deviation from that norm makes me very uncomfortable. Because not only do I value my privacy very highly, but I try to respect and protect the privacy of others too, and… well… when you start smooshing all those bubbles into one common place, they float and start to bump around, and inevitably something will touch and pop.

It’s a power thing, I’ll admit it. So I guess there’s some trust (and possibly paranoia) issues going on.

I’ve dipped my toes in from time to time — I made a MySpace page years ago, that I promptly chickened out of promoting and let die a slow death. I Twittered. It made no sense to me, so I unTwittered. After a while I Twittered again, and then unTwittered again. I resisted Facebook forever, and even started to feel a bit smug about that, but finally caved in a few months ago, only because in my screwed-up family it’s the only way to have any hope of knowing what the hell is going on.

The thing is, I shoot myself in my own foot with these things, because I have such mixed emotions and hesitancy. Facebook is a good example – I have every privacy setting employed that I can find, so I can keep my contact list down to a very deliberate – and very small – set of people. Okay. Cool. I’m not hyperventilating. I’m not vulnerable. I can do this. All is well.

And then I see my husband’s Facebook account, and the many people who comment regularly on anything that he posts, and I can’t help but feel a… little… left… out. Like, hey? How come… why isn’t… I’d, uh.. kinda like to get Wall posts and poked, too… sometimes…?

Ah, but I don’t want to have to put myself out there, in the open, vulnerable to being ignored or intruded on, in exchange for that. There’s the rub. So I make it difficult to contact me, and then feel sorry for myself when nobody contacts me.

Oh, wait, but I did do *one* of the applications on Facebook. I took the IQ tests (because Doc goaded me). I scored 143 in the Advanced one. Which, given the previous paragraph, just goes to show ya.

The twists and squirms and internal conflicts are only getting worse, because of my business. With Social Networking becoming such an important and significant marketing tool, I would be a huge idiot to ignore or avoid it completely. Not that being a huge idiot is a preclusion for me at all, but I try not to be an idiot on my client’s dime. It’s one thing to choose not to online network to promote my own company, because then any loss is only mine. But more and more I’m finding that, I should really, probably, stop dodging around and shrinking away from even the smallest form of public spotlight, because people understandably want to know more about me – and more about the people I associate with – when I’m contacting them as a representative for a client.

But… but… doing that brings all my bubbles *WAY* too close for my comfort! As much as I sometimes bitch about being overlooked as if I’m invisible, I LIKE flying under the radar! I like the power and control that can afford me. Obviously, or I would’ve poked my head up, dyed it lime green, stuck an arrow-shaped neon sign with my name above, and shouted, “Hey, look at me!” long ago.

I know quite well how to get people noticed – it’s a big part of my job. I also know very well how to avoid being noticed, and I choose that for myself because it’s what I prefer and how I’m comfortable.

But just because something is comfortable and I like it, doesn’t make it healthy for me. (See: cheesecake and Corona)

And I’ve noticed that when people feel uncomfortable, they can learn a lot about who they are.

Dammit.

I feel an uncomfortable evolutionary thump coming on.