Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Do you know? I found an article titled “Top 5 Things Every Extrovert Should Know About Introverts“, and here’s how the author, Brian Kim, loosely makes the distinction:

Extroverts tend to be those who are more energized when around other people. … Introverts tend to be those who are more energized when alone with themselves.

As the mother and wife of two very introverted people, I have given a considerable amount of thought to this and it was interesting to me to read the following on Kim’s site. I haven’t had the time to research further to try and see if there’s any validity to it, but it certainly would explain a lot:

Introverts have more brain activity in their frontal lobes and when these areas are activated through solitary activity, introverts become energized through processes such as problem solving, introspection, and complex thinking.

Extroverts on the other hand tend to have more activity in the back of their brain, areas that deal with processing sensory information from the external world, so they tend to search for external stimuli in the form of interacting with other people and the outside world to energize them.

Kim goes on to address 5 common misconceptions, and make several good points. I’ve culled a few of them here.

1. If a person is introverted, it does NOT mean they are shy or anti-social.

Many times when I was a young mum and unsure of how badly I was screwing up, I found myself defending my eldest son to family and friends, and insisting that he’s not shy or anti-social. At the same time, I would get my own insecurities about whether I was doing something horribly wrong and he was going to live a miserable life as a result.

Then someone brought it into focus for me a few years ago, and said, “Let me get this straight. You have a teenage son who doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. Instead of hanging around on the street with a bunch of punks, he prefers to just stay home, with his parents. Um, tell me again – where’s the problem?”

I have been known to be an idiot at times, yes.

2. Introverts tend to dislike small talk.

If you really want to engage an introvert in conversation, skip the small talk. Introverts tend to love deep conversations on subjects that interest them. They love to debate, go past the superficial and poke around the depths in people’s minds to see what’s really going on in there. Most, if not all introverts tend to regard small talk as a waste of time, unless it’s with someone new they just met.

This characteristic probably contributes to another misconception that extroverts have of introverts – the misconception that all introverts are arrogant.

Why?

Because extroverts notice that introverts don’t talk that much with other people. Therefore, extroverts assume that introverts think they’re too good to talk to others, hence arrogant and that’s hardly the case.

The most common experience I’ve had is people assuming that introverts are insecure. This has always fascinated me – how people can think that introverts are shy and/or insecure one minute, and then think that they’re arrogant the next. Erm….?

I generally hate talking on the phone with people, feel awkward, and will ring off with flimsy excuses, and I couldn’t really tell you why. But I also have a couple of friends with whom I’ve had marathon phone conversations, lasting far into the night (five, six hours sometimes, even more), and I thoroughly enjoyed them. The difference? We talked about life. Beliefs. Hopes and fears. Stuff that makes you go “Hmmm…”.

 3. Introverts do like to socialize – only in a different manner and less frequently than extroverts.

And what’s more, introverts can do a lot of things extroverts are naturally good at – give great speeches, schmooze with everyone, be the life of the party, charm the socks off of total strangers – but only for a short period of time. After that, they need time for themselves which brings us to the fourth point.

Maybe this is where the notion of insecurity comes from? I don’t have a fear of public speaking, and have done so many times, but I only do it when it serves a specific and worthwhile purpose – that’s when it gives me energy. Otherwise, it’s a drain. I’m constantly fascinated by human behaviour and love being around people and just observing. But I am also very sensitive, emotionally and physically, to the atmosphere and moods of others. A few years ago I clued in that the “processing sensory information from the external world” thing that Kim mentions about extroverts can be a lot of work for me, so I’m pretty picky about the people I spend time with now. I can spend hours and hours with someone who is genuine and open, but put an energy vampire in the room and I’m looking for the door.

4. Introverts need time alone to recharge.

Extroverts tend to think introverts have something against them as they constantly seem to refuse generous invites to social engagements. Introverts do appreciate the offers, but it’s just that they know it will take a lot of energy out of them if they pursue these social functions.

Exactly. But don’t forget that sometimes other circumstances, like physical handicaps, can make a person appear to be more introverted than they might otherwise be. Another factor to consider is the home life. If they’re happy and content with their family, or even by themselves, going out just for the sake of going out isn’t a welcome escape – it’s an effort, and one that often isn’t worth it. I know that sounds cynical, but the reality is that in our society, there isn’t a majority of people who give off positive energy to everyone around them. Quite the opposite, unfortunately. And those who do, tend to be the ones who are so weighed down by people clinging to them, that they burn out and/or have to retreat to the peace and safety of their own world just to survive.

5. Introverts are socially well adjusted.

Trying to “turn” an introverted person into an extroverted person is detrimental because it gives off a subtle suggestion that there is something wrong with them, hampering their self worth and esteem when there is absolutely nothing wrong in the first place.

It’s been a struggle, but I have to keep reminding myself of this, and there are simply no words for how damned ridiculous that is.

There’s a deeper science to this that involves differences in the levels of brain chemicals such as acetylcholine and dopamine in extroverts and introverts, but I won’t get into that.

The bottom line is that introverts are just wired differently than extroverts. There’s nothing “wrong” with them. They just become energized through different processes depending on where the majority of their brain activity takes place.

Granted there are introverts who may be shy and anti-social, but that’s just a coincidence that perpetuates the myth that ALL introverts are like that.

You’ll find that all introverts are fine just the way they are until people begin to subtly suggest otherwise.

I typically skip past self-help and motivation type websites, but I think I’ll be exploring Brian Kim’s more.