Please note that I could easily follow that title with some smartass remarks about men, but I’m trying to be good today.

Continuing the tool theme, here are some more laughs found over at Doug’s. Ones with which I have more than a personal and passing familiarity are:

• WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch….”
• PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
• HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
• VISE-GRIPS:Also used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
• PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
• PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
• DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.